Friday, November 6, 2009


I've been in a "place" spiritually, mentally, and emotionally for quite some time now. I know how I got here and I know when I got here. The problem is, it is a truly uncomfortable place and I'm not really enjoying the journey. However, I am quite aware that I am learning and growing here. Perhaps that's the most important issue anyway, not whether I like it or not.

Being human, at times I just want to feel sorry for myself that I am here. But, so far, every time that feeling comes up, it is trumped by the knowledge that I am here because of myself. Then I kind of rally what little shred of dignity I have left and bravely accept this "place" because I know I am reaping what I have sown.

I have made a couple of feeble attempts to describe to others where I am here in this "place" but I found that they are struggling in their own place and don't have the "whatevers and where-with-alls" to get past the walls of their own "place." So it is very lonely here. It's kind of ironic though, because while it is lonely and it would be so awesome if I knew someone even peeked in and saw this place just to know it a little, I really don't want anyone to see this "place."

Well, it's not that I don't want anyone to see this "place," it's that I don't want anyone to see me in this place. I am literally naked. Not physically, oh no, I still don myself with my pretty little outfits and "look the part." You see, my spirit is broken. Little pieces. That leaves the "naked" me and it's truly sickening to look at. It all actually makes me feel very self-conscious, like I have a huge announcement pinned to my back stating what a pathetic fool I am. I sort of want to just slip by everyone, kind of quiet and unnoticed, so no attention will be drawn to me. If I'm not mistaken I think the word for that is called shame. There is quite a bit of shame in this "place." You could say there is plenty of guilt, self-doubt, self-loathing, and discouragment, too.

Right now, I cringe if anyone asks me for anything because I don't have anything to give. Remember, I'm broken. I dread leaving the house. I dread going to work. I dread being around people. Someone might expect something from me. I cherish these values, integrity, loyalty, and Christian virtue, and have seriously strived to incorporate into my life. Something that deeply saddens me is that these very things were broken off of me and I was beaten to a pulp with them. Now they lay in pieces scattered around among the pieces of my spirit.

Something has drastically and forever changed in me. When the Lord puts my spirit back together, and He will, I will be different. I always thought I had gifts. Gifts to use helping others, making a difference. But I can clearly see now that the only, the only gift I have is the one given to me by the Lord Himself, and that is His gift of salvation. For now, I will serve my time here in this "place." I earned it and I deserve it. Thank you Lord for being a just God and for being a merciful God. Because I know when You open the door for me to walk out of this "place" I will be a better person, more usable for Your service.


Anonymous said...



I suppose I could sum up this place by calling it a very difficult harvest. I'm reaping what I should never have sown. Makes it tuff not 2 keep beating myself up. But I'm doing better about that. I have made up my mind 2 use this as a stepping stone rather than a stumbling block. Thanks 4 the ears.