DEFENSES

Survival is the most basic instinct of all living things. Of course humans have some very sophisticated ways of ensuring their suvival. For the most part, when we think of survival, we think of self defense. When I think of self defense I think of some type of martial arts, weapons, and pepper spray.

But, there are many other types of self defense we as humans use to protect our fragile inner selves rather than our physical bodies. These defenses kick in gear when we feel threatened, wronged, put on the spot, angered, or emotionally challenged.

I am planning to go into a bit more depth about these different defenses beginning this weekend on my blog PSYCHOBABBLE, but right now I need to talk a bit about how I got into this state of fatigue that has about brought me to a virtual stand still.

First of all, as a Christian, my first line of defense is to hide in the shelter of the Most High, place my whole being in the Hands of the Lord, trust in the Lord with all my heart. It's pretty apparent I failed to do this as I should have and I feel somewhat hippocritical that I haven't practiced totally what I preach (I am not a preacher, that is a figure of speech).

I believe I relied and trusted in the Lord to a degree, but I have to confess I took the driver's seat enough of the time that I got myself in mental and physical trouble.

Rather than fully trusting in the Lord and being open to the leading of the Holy Spirit, and that includes the Lord speaking to me through precious friends, I used what we Psychologists call Rationalization and Humor to ignore what was happening to me and to be able to keep going down an unhealthy path.

Rationalizing: I found ways in my mind to feel confident and comfortable that what I was doing was God's will. I was writing two books which I feel would be very important help to struggling Christians. Wouldn't the Lord want this kind of writing out there to help His children? Didn't He give me the ability to write and communicate about Him? So not only did I write on the books, I did hours and hours of research on how to prepare and submit a manuscript for publication.

I collaborated with a dear friend in writing short  Christian children's stories that took time to edit and get correctly formatted.

I maintained 4 blogs, one of which I deleted, so I kept up with 3 blogs that included visiting my followers, followers of followers, and those who commented on my blogs.

I create and send out the daily devotional, Daily Grace, by email to several hundred people each day. It takes me hours to prepare these each week and I've done this for over 2 years now.

I am working on a 60 credit hour certification through the American Association of Christian Counselors to become a certified Professional Christian Counselor.

I have a full time career as a Clinical Psychologist. I work 4 days a week and about 11 hours each of those days.

Top all that with 10 grandchildren, going to the lake on weekends in the summer, having a disabled husband, and chronic neck pain.

I digress. All these things I have convinced myself by carefully directing my thoughts to the place where I believed the Lord was having me do all these things. In and of themselves they are all very noble and even Godly. But God doesn't pile so many things on a person and sit back to watch them collapse under the load. I failed to listen to the Lord about what I should be doing and took these things on out of my own desires and interests and in my own time. I do believe the Lord has given me these things to do, but I don't believe He meant for me to dive into all of them at once. I got ahead of Him.

After my mind and body went on strike several weeks ago and my doctor threatened to put me in the hospital if I didn't stop everything and rest, I was able to hear the Lord patiently and lovingly still speaking to me. Bobbi, you have been given these gifts to use for Me, in My way, in My time, not yours. Wait on Me, Trust Me, Stop making excuses that these things must be done now.

So I have confessed this to the Lord and I am resting, spending much time with the Lord and my family. I will wait for His direction. Right now, Daily Grace continues. I am going to the clinic working my regular hours. Everything else I do is with conscious awareness of God's leading and relying on the Holy Spirit as my first line of defense. I have traded rationalism for faith. A lesson I've taught for years, but had to "relearn" the hard way. God is faithful. He loves me so much that He takes the time to discipline and correct me. Thank you Lord.