THROUGH LITTLE GREEN EYES

Through little green eyes, I watched the sun
How bright and beautiful it made the blue sky.
My thoughts danced from feelings of warmth and safety
To how I might capture the bluebird and make him my friend.

Oh, daddy, you were so strong yet gentle.
My hero, I was your “little girl.”
In my young mind, there was nothing you could not do.
You always told me I was “daddy’s little girl.”
I wanted to be just like you.

As I began to grow up, the big age of nine
I was confused by remarks of my two siblings
That I was your favorite.
I thought they were just making it up.
I was just “daddy’s little girl.”

Being daddy’s little girl took a huge turn around the life.
Yes, turn around the life.
That’s the day you had me alone and told me we had
“A special secret.”
I had been sleeping on the sofa with pillow and blanket.
You knelt down by me and showed me your “private man part.”
I was taken off guard, frightened, pulled the blanket over my head.
You told me it was all right, our secret.
You said you needed me for this, all I had to do was touch it.
You took my hand and put it “there.”
You told me I was the one that would hold the family together because of our secret.

What confusion in my young mind. I had been given an awesome powerful job.
Holding the family together. What power.
But I had to do “things” that made me feel “dirty” to get this important job done.
I could not tell anyone “the secret” because the family would “fall apart and die.”

Never a time alone that I did not have to push your hand away from my body
Pretend I was asleep when you crept up to my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I hated it, you knew I hated it, but I had to keep the family together.
When I played with my friends, I wondered if they had to worry about going home
To be touched, poked, and stroked and made to touch and stroke. I felt dirty.

I knew more than a child should know. Coerced to watch “dirty movies” and look at “dirty magazines.”
Learning forms of contraception so that when I “became of age” I would not get “into trouble.”
I just wanted to play with my dolls and my friends and read my books.
But I had to hold the family together.

I hated you and I loved you. How can that be?
While you were “doing your thing” with my body
My mind took me to those far away safe places
Where the bluebirds were singing.

After time, I crumbled under the burden you placed on me
And was so incapable of carrying.
No one knew what was wrong with me
But I still couldn’t tell “the secret.”

When my confusion turned into psychosis
I convinced myself that I would go to hell if I didn’t tell.
I told the only other person that I knew would make it all right, mama.
She did nothing.
But, the family didn’t fall apart. I went through all that for nothing.
And I fell apart. A fourteen year old basketcase.

That’s when I told you, if you ever touch me again, I will tell everyone.
You never touched me again. Physically.
Mentally and emotionally I was touched by this “hell” twenty four seven.
I made poor choices. I tried to be good, but I did bad things.
Like there was two of me, the good girl and the bad girl.
You tainted me and damaged me.

After many years, experience, and wisdom, I chose to step beyond being your victim.
I am a survivor. The road to someplace called “normal” is rough, steep, and dangerous.
With the help of the Lord and supportive friends, I traveled that road.

Now, with my more aged green eyes, I look at the sunrise as I drive to work
And let its’ beauty fill my soul at the awesomeness of a God who created it.
And my thoughts dance back and forth between all the blessings of my life now.
I go into my office and prepare for my first patient.
After they tell me their “secret” and their story, I gaze deep into their soul past their eyes and I simply say,
“I know.”

And somehow, they know that I know. We connect. And their healing begins.
God is using what I thought was all in vain to help others travel that road to some kind
Of normal.


Bobbi Jo Craigmyle
©2007

BLAST FROM THE PAST

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL THE OTHER DAY FROM AN OLD HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND. HADN'T HEARD FROM HIM SINCE HIGH SCHOOL. THE FIRST COUPLE OF EMAILS WERE JUST MENTIONING THINGS WE REMEMBERED ABOUT EACH OTHER. HE THEN SENT AN EMAIL THAT CONTAINED SOME PRETTY SPECIFIC THINGS ABOUT WHAT HE HAD GONE THROUGH, ALONG WITH USUAL LIGHTHEARTED STUFF. I JUST HAPPENED TO COMMENT ON THE SPECIFIC THINGS, JUST LETTING HIM KNOW I ACKNOWLEDGED THEM, AND WENT ON TO OTHER FRIENDLY LIGHTHEARTED THINGS ABOUT BEING IN HIGH SCHOOL.

I GOT AN EMAIL BACK FROM HIM THAT SHOCKED ME. HE SAID HE TOLD ME TOO MUCH STUFF, THAT HE DIDN'T NEED TO BE ONE OF MY PATIENTS, AND THAT HE NEEDED TO BE CAREFUL WHAT HE SAID BECAUSE IT ALWAYS COMES BACK TO BITE HIM. HE TOLD ME THAT HE HAD NEVER DONE ANYTHING TO ME, JUST WANTED TO KEEP IT FRIENDLY AND LIGHTHEARTED.

WHOA! I RESPONDED THAT I DIDN'T INTEND TO MAKE HIM UNCOMFORTABLE, I APOLOGIZED AND SAID I ALSO PREFERRED TO KEEP IT FRIENDLY AND LIGHTHEARTED.

HE EMAILED BACK AND SAID HE JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY ANYMORE, HE FEARED THAT I WOULD ANALYZED EVERYTHING HE SAID AND HE DIDN'T THINK SHARING THE THINGS HE DID WOULD COME BACK TO BITE HIM. SO HE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BETTER TO JUST CALL IT A TOUCH BASE WITH THE PAST AND NOW JUST END IT WITH A GENTLE GOODBYE.

I EMAILED HIM BACK AND TOLD HIM I AGREE. NO POINT IN TRYING TO MAINTAIN AN EMAIL FRIENDSHIP IF HE WAS UNCOMFORTABLE AND DIDN'T FEEL HE COULD TRUST ME. I ENDED THE EMAIL BY SAYING IT WAS NICE TO HEAR FROM HIM AND TO TAKE CARE.

I IMMEDIATELY GOT AN EMAIL BACK WITH HIM SAYING, "I'M CONFUSED, WHY ARE YOU ENDING THIS SO LIGHTLY, I THOUGHT YOU HAD SOME FIGHT IN YOU."

MY FIRST THOUGHT HERE IS THAT THIS GUY IS SOME KIND OF PARANOID. TO REACT THE WAY HE DID, PULL WAY BACK, THEN SAY WE NEED TO JUST STOP COMMUNICATING, THEN TELL ME HE'S CONFUSED WHEN I AGREE. GAME PLAYING. I HAD NO INTENTION OF BECOMING HIS THERAPIST, LORD KNOWS I HAVE ENOUGH PATIENTS. THEN FEARING I WOULD TAKE WHAT HE TOLD ME AND USE IT AGAINST HIM. IF ANYONE IS CONFUSED HERE, ITS ME. WHAT IS WITH THIS GUY?

MY CONCLUSION WAS TO DELETE HIS EMAILS, HIS EMAIL ADDRESS, AND NOT RESPOND TO HIS LAST EMAIL. I SAID GOOD BYE IN MY LAST EMAIL TO HIM. I DON'T NEED THIS KIND OF INTERACTION. TOO HEAVY FOR ME. GOT OTHER STUFF IN MY LIFE I WANT TO SPEND MY ENERGY ON.

OH NO! A FENDER BENDER

BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER, THIS PICTURE IS OF MY CAR, BUT NOT THE FENDER BENDER THAT TOOK PLACE FRIDAY. THIS PICTURE WAS TAKEN ON MEMORIAL WEEKEND IN 2005 AFTER A HYDROPLANING ACCIDENT ON I-44. I JUST USED THIS PICTURE BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ONE OF THE FENDER BENDER YET.

I WAS SITTING AT A STOPLIGHT, IT WAS POURING DOWN RAIN. I WAS ONLY ABOUT A MILE AWAY FROM HOME. I SUDDENLY FELT A "HIT" FROM THE BACK. I KNEW I HAD BEEN HIT, BUT THE FIRST THING THAT CAUGHT MY ATTENTION WAS THAT MY SHOES HAD BEEN KNOCKED OFF. I HAD SLIP ON SKETCHER SANDALS, AND BOTH OF THEM WERE OFF MY FEET AND LAYING IN THE FLOORBOARD OF THE CAR. ANOTHER THING I NOTICED WAS THE SHADE THAT COVERS MY SUN ROOF WAS HALFWAY OPENED.

I WAS NOT INJURED IN ANY WAY. I DIDN'T EVEN FEEL JOLTED OR JERKED AT ALL. I WAS A BIT SHAKEN BECAUSE I FELT ANXIOUS ALL THE REST OF THE DAY AND EVENING. NOW I'M LOOKING TO HAVE MY CAR PUT IN THE SHOP SO IT CAN GET A REAR BUMPER TRANSPLANT. HOPE IT DOESN'T TAKE LONG. WHEN IT WENT INTO THE SHOP FOR THE ACCIDENT IN 2005, IT WAS THERE FROM THE END OF MAY UNTIL THE END OF AUGUST.

THIS WAS JUST ONE OF THOSE LITTLE INCONVENIENCES THAT HAPPEN AND THE YOUNG LADY THAT HIT ME WAS VERY KIND AND VERY REMORSEFUL. I'M THANKFUL THAT IT WAS SO MINOR AND NO ONE WAS HURT. IT COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH WORSE.

QUOTES BY HELEN KELLER

"ALTHOUGH THE WORLD IS FULL OF SUFFERING, IT IS ALSO FULL OF THE OVERCOMING OF IT."

"CHARACTER CANNOT BE DEVELOPED IN EASE AND QUIET. ONLY THROUGH EXPERIENCE OF TRIAL AND SUFFERING CAN THE SOUL BE STRENGTHENED, AMBITION INSPIRED, AND SUCCESS ACHIEVED."

"MANY PERSONS HAVE A WRONG IDEA OF WHAT CONSTITUTES TRUE HAPPINESS. IT IS NOT ATTTAINED THROUGH SELF-GRATIFICATION, BUT THROUGH FIDELITY TO A WORTHY PURPOSE."

"NEVER BEND YOUR HEAD, HOLD IT HIGH, LOOK THE WORLD STRAIGHT IN THE EYE."

"NO PESSIMIST EVER DISCOVERED THE SECRET OF THE STARS, OR SAILED AN UNCHARTED LAND, OR OPENED A DOORWAY FOR THE HUMAN SPIRIT."

"SELF PITY IS OUR WORST ENEMY, AND IF WE YIELD TO IT, WE CAN NEVER DO ANYTHING GOOD IN THE WORLD."

"SCIENCE MAY HAVE FOUND A CURE FOR MOST EVILS; BUT IT HAS FOUND NO CURE FOR THE WORST OF THEM ALL - THE APATHY OF HUMAN BEINGS."

SELF REVELATION: I'VE BEEN HAD

I'VE BEEN READING A BOOK BY BETH MOORE CALLED "WHEN GODLY PEOPLE DO UNGODLY THINGS." THIS MORNING I CAME TO A VERY SHORT CHAPTER THAT GRABBED ME LIKE A MOTHER PULLING HER TODDLER FROM A BUSY STREET. I'D LIKE TO SHARE THIS SHORT CHAPTER. PERHAPS IT WILL GRAB SOMEONE WHO NEEDS TO HEAR IT, AND MAYBE SOMEONE WHO SHOULD HEAR IT. MOSTLY BECAUSE I'VE BEEN HAD. BUT I'M NOT NOW. THIS IS DIRECT FROM THE BOOK, PAGES 201 -203

NAME CALLING

MY NAME IS HAD. YOU MAY KNOW ME, BUT YOU MAY NOT KNOW MY NEW NAME. YOU MAY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH BECAUSE I DO MY BEST TO LOOK THE SAME. I AM SCARED TO DEATH OF YOU. I USED TO BE JUST LIKE YOU. I ONCE HELD MY HEAD UP HIGH WITHOUT PROPPING IT ON MY HYMNAL.

I WAS WELL RESPECTED BACK THEN, AND I EVEN RESPECTED MYSELF. I WAS WHOLEHEARTEDLY DEVOTED TO GOD, AND IF THE TRUTH BE KNOWN, SOMEWHERE DEEP INSIDE I WAS SOMETIMES THE SLIGHTEST BIT PROUD OF MY DEVOTION. THEN I'D REPENT....BECAUSE I KNEW THAT WAS WRONG. I DIDN'T WANT TO BE WRONG. NOT EVER.

PEOPLE LOOKED UP TO ME. AND LIFE LOOKED GOOD FROM UP THERE. I FELT GOOD ABOUT WHO I WAS. THAT WAS BEFORE I WAS HAD. STRANGELY, I NO LONGER REMEMBER MY OLD NAME. I JUST REMEMBER I LIKED IT. I LIKED WHO I WAS. I WISH I COULD GO BACK. I WISH I'D JUST WAKE UP. BUT I FEAR I'M WIDE AWAKE. I HAVE HAD A NIGHTMARE. AND THE NIGHTMARE WAS ME, HAD.

IF I COULD REALLY TALK TO YOU AND YOU COULD REALLY LISTEN, I'D TELL YOU I HAVE NO IDEA HOW ALL THIS HAPPENED. HONESTLY, I WAS JUST LIKE YOU. I DIDN'T PLAN TO BE HAD. I DIDN'T WANT TO BE HAD. ONE DAY I HADN'T, THEN THE NEXT DAY I HAD.

OH, I KNOW NOW WHERE I WENT WRONG. I HAVE REWOUND THE NIGHTMARE A THOUSAND TIMES, STOPPING IT RIGHT AT THE POINT WHERE I DEPARTED THE TRAIL OF GOOD SENSE. THE WAY AHEAD DIDN'T LOOK WRONG. IT JUST LOOKED DIFFERENT. STRANGE, HE DIDN'T LOOK LIKE THE DEVIL IN THE ORIGINAL SCENE. BUT EVERY TIME I REPLAYED IT, HE DROPPED ANOTHER PIECE OF HIS MASQUERADE. WHEN HE FINALLY TOOK OFF HIS MASK, HE WAS LAUGHING AT ME. NOTHING SEEMS FUNNY ANYMORE, I WILL NEVER LAUGH AGAIN AS LONG AS HE IS LAUGHING.

IF ONLY I COULD GO BACK. I WOULD SEE IT THIS TIME! I WOULD WALK AROUND THE TRAP CAMOUFLAGED BY THE BRUSH, AND I WOULD NOT BE HAD. I WOULD BE PROUD. WAS THAT MY OLD NAME? PROUD. I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHO I WAS ANYMORE. I THOUGHT I WAS GOOD, NOT PROUD. BUT I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

WOULD YOU BELIEVE I NEVER HEARD THE TRAP SHUT? TOO MANY VOICES WERE SHOUTING IN MY HEAD. I JUST KNEW I GOT STUCK SOMEWHERE UNFAMILIAR, AND SOON I DIDN'T LIKE THE SCENERY ANYMORE. I WANTED TO GO HOME. MY ANKLE DIDN'T EVEN HURT AT FIRST. NOT UNTIL THE INFECTION SET IN. THEN I THOUGHT I WOULD DIE.

I LAY LIKE A WHIMPERING DOE WHILE THE WOLF HOWLED IN THE DARKNESS. I GOT SCARED. I PULLED THE BRUSH OVER ME AND HID. THEN I FELT LIKE I COULDN'T BREATHE. I HAD TO GET OUT OF THERE OR I WAS SURE IT WOULD KILL ME. I DIDN'T BELONG THERE. I REFUSED TO DIE THERE.

I PULLED AND PULLED AT THE TRAP, BUT THE FOOTHOLD WOULDN'T BUDGE. THE BLOOD GUSHED. I HAD NO WAY OUT. I SCREAMED FOR GOD. I TOLD HIM WHERE I WAS AND THE SHAPE I WAS IN. HE CAME FOR ME.

THE INFECTION IS GONE. HE PUT SOMETHING ON IT AND CLEANED IT UP INSTANTLY. AS HE INSPECTED MY SHATTERED ANKLE, I KEPT WAITING FOR HIM TO SAY, "YOU DESERVED THIS, YOU KNOW, YOU'VE BEEN HAD." BECAUSE I DID AND I KNOW AND I HAVE. HE HASN'T SAID IT YET. I DON'T KNOW WHETHER HE WILL NOR NOT. I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH TO TRUST HIM YET. I'VE NEVER KNOWN HIM FROM THIS SIDE. MY LEG STILL HURTS. GOD SAYS IT WILL HEAL WITH TIME. BUT I FEAR I WILL ALWAYS WALK WITH A LIMP.

YOU SEE, I WRESTLED WITH THE DEVIL AND HE GAVE ME A NEW NAME, HAD.

SPIRITUAL FANATIC OR MERELY COMMITED

As I think about the Christian faith and the number of people who will answer a poll that they are Christians, I have am coming to the conclusion that these people fall into one of three different spiritual categories. On what I will refer to as the "lower" level, there are a group of "professing Christians" that will tell you they are believers but they do not necessarily have any particular set of beliefs, practices, or indications that they have any religious or spiritual life at all. The Bible talks about this group of people as those who profess God, but deny that He has any power and do not draw on His power. On the "middle" level, are those who are true believers, but they are content to accept the Gospel message in order to gain entrance into the kingdom of God. They continue to live their lives based on their wants, feelings, and needs while failing to pursue a higher knowledge or relationship with God. Again the Bible speaks of this group of people as being lukewarm and being rather disgusting to God. The "higher" level are those who have come to understand through a hunger for the things of God, the significance and awesomeness of the sacrifice made by God's giving His only Son, and the great obedient offering of the Son on the Cross. Because of this understanding, which is a divine revelation from seeking and finding, this group of believers make a total commitment of their lives to serving and seeking intimacy with God. The Bible states, in Jesus' words that the greatest commandment is to love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. "The man who has the clearest view of this moral law, will always be the man who has the highest sense of the value of Christ's atoning blood."(Unknown quote source).

Those who are in the first two groups will have a tendency to view the last group as fanatics, or striving for the impossible, i.e. to be like Christ. The fact is, this last group actually comprise those who are not of this world and the world does not understand them. But they continue on because the witness of the Holy Spirit urges them on and brings spiritual light and understanding as they continue to serve and seek.

I am not saying that the first two groups are not "saved" and will not make it to heaven. But the last group has responded to a higher calling in Christ and if they endure, will reap an abundant harvest for the Kingdom of God and they will receive a great reward in heaven to present at the feet of the One who gave His all for them.

I am in that last group. I cannot be in any other group after having responded to the Holy Spirit to climb to this level. That does not make me "higher or mightier" than anyone else on the earth. It only makes me more accountable for my thoughts, words, and deeds. It fills me with a driving hunger for the things of God. It makes me available for God's use as He sees fit. I must always have the Word hidden in my heart and wear the cloak of humility. Because without Him, I am nothing. I have been called to live and work among those on the first two levels, to allow the Holy Spirit to work through me so that they might answer that call to this level. I have been called to reach out in love and in the Spirit of the Lord to those who have been wounded by this world and can't find their way.

Am I a fanatic? Or am I committed heart, soul, mind, and strength, to my God?

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN AROUND A HAIRSTYLIST AND FELT A BIT UNCOMFORTABLE BECAUSE YOU WERE HAVING A BAD HAIR DAY AND JUST KNEW THE HAIRSTYLIST WAS SCRUTINIZING EVERY ELEMENT OF YOUR MISFORTUNATE STATE?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ASKED BY A ROOM FULL OF EXECUTIVES AND ATTORNEYS TO TELL YOUR OCCUPATION, WHICH IS A WIDGET PACKER IN A LOCAL MANUFACTURING PLANT?

THESE ARE THINGS THAT GENERALLY BRING ABOUT SELF CONSCIOUSNESS, EMBARASSMENT, AND FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY. THERE ARE MANY MORE SCENARIOS THAT ARE SIMILAR BUT I THINK I GOT MY POINT MADE SO FAR.

THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE FEEL THESE THINGS WHEN THEY KNOW THEY ARE FACE TO FACE WITH A PSYCHOLOGIST. THERE IS A TENDENCY TO FEEL THAT EVERY WORD SPOKEN AND EVERY MOVEMENT MADE IS ANALYZED, ORGANIZED, AND SOME CONCLUSION DRAWN ABOUT THEIR MENTAL COMPENTANCY.

WELL, HERE IS A LITTLE REALIZED BIT OF NEWS. THE PSYCHOLOGIST HAS BEEN IN VIRTUALLY ALL SCENARIOS THAT HAVE MADE HER FEEL SELF CONSCIOUS, EMBARASSED, AND INADEQUATE. WE SPEND OUR DAYS LISTENING TO THE LIVES, WOES, AND ILLS OF PEOPLE AND THE THINGS THAT ARE ON THEIR MINDS. BUT WHEN AND TO WHOM DOES THE PSYCHOLOGIST GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO THAT. WE ARE HUMANS WITH EVERYDAY LIVES, THOUGHTS, AND FEELINGS.

WELL THAT'S WHAT THIS BLOG SITE WILL BE ABOUT. THIS SHRINK JUST SHARING WHAT'S ON HER MIND, HER FEELINGS, HER OPINIONS, HER LIKES, HER DISLIKES, HER OBSERVATIONS, AND HER WISDOM (SUCH AS IT IS).

SO IF YOU'VE EVER WONDERED (OR NOT) WHAT IS ON THE MIND OF A SHRINK, HERE IS YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO FIND OUT.